Evil Monkey In The Closet

An evil monkey has been released from the closet. And this time, it will pick no tea.

In case you aren't aware (and even if you are), Coca-Cola has recently acquired 40% of Honest Tea. Honest Tea was an independent little bottled tea company that had a decent product. Most teas were unsweetened (in response to the obesity epidemic), the teas were Fair Trade (a noble effort, even though many say it's bad business), and, doggonit, the stuff tasted pretty darn good, especially for a pre-made tea in a bottle.

I use the past tense for a reason. Let us not fool ourselves: the company that was once Honest Tea will be no longer. High-fructose corn syrup will be introduced as a primary sweetener in the beverage, just like any Coca-Cola product. Purchasing ethical Fair Trade tea will be flushed down the loo, like any other ethical practice that a major corporation would implement. And, the integrity of the product's flavor? Yeah, about that. Integrity just doesn't fit in with the business model. We'll have to ask you to come in on Saturday...

Now, I do realize that this is only a 40% purchase. Not half. Not all. Just 40%. And, I'm guessing that Honest Tea is doing this for the help they may need regarding distribution. The Tea-EO (that's what he calls himself; ain't it clever?) has wanted to get his Honest Kids juice into more schools, but the distribution for public schools is, no doubt, a "good-ol'-boy" system. So, by hooking up with Coke (who has the market cornered on beverage distribution in public schools), he has a better chance of getting Honest Kids to the kids.

So, in order to do the right thing, Honest Tea is having to make a deal with the devil. And, it's going to stink in the long run for them. All Coke needs is a foothold, and they'll corrupt the product, like a good major corporation will. Like GMC did to Saturn. Like First Union did to Wachovia.

Dear tea sippers, I know this is probably pure conjecture on my behalf. But, mark my words. It won't be long before we mourn the loss of a Honest product.

Sigh. I already am.

Get Your Hands Off My Tea, You Damn Dirty Ape!

Today, dear tea drinkers, I have three words for you that are being wildly bandied about within the tea community.

Monkey Picked Tea.

I kid you not.

Monkey-picked tea, according to legend (and depending on who you talk to), came into being about ten centuries ago when monks trained their pet monkeys to climb to the highest branches of camillia senesis to pick leaves for their tea.

Nowadays, monkey-picked tea refers to a fine-grade oolong, most often a kwan yin tea. One merchant of MPT claims that theirs is still actually picked by monkeys in some remote village. Somewhere. In some mountains. In China. Permit me to doubt. I'm reminded of Brian Johnson telling the gang about his girlfriend in Niagra Falls. So, before you get your inner PETA activist riled up about a country using unpaid animal labor, have a cup and calm down. I seriously doubt this is, ahem, credible info. As the haxxors say on teh forums, pictures or it didn't happen.

However, monkey-picked tea is all the rage now. All the cool kids are drinking it. You do want to be cool, don't you?

Ahh, thankfully, I know you are not one to cave in to peer pressure. So, I'm sure you'll leave that up to me. No, I haven't tried it yet, but I plan to trek to a local corporate tea-monger to purchase a cup. One cup may be all I'm able to afford of this beverage that places itself in the same category as civet cat coffee and walk-in humidors. Unnecessarily expensive.

But, I am a curious person (so people tell me), and I just have to try this stuff. I promise to let you know how it tastes.

It can't be all that bad. Unless it involves Gorilla Grod. That is one bad ape.

The Virtues Of Tea Elitism-Part 2

Hello, gentle tea drinkers. Sorry to have been away, but I had a bit of a flu bug for a few days. Fear not; a daily pot of tea got me through it. Go figure.

If you could possibly indulge me, I have yet another tea bone to pick.

When money allows it, I and my amazingly handsome bridegroom will treat ourselves to fine dining (I adore how he carefully analyzes each dish!). We'll also do this for special occasions: anniversaries, birthdays, solstices, equinoxes, National Farrier's Appreciation Week. Whatever occasion pops up.

Obviously, after an amazing meal that may consist of such delicacies as fois gras and quail confit, I'll ask for a cup of tea. I suppose you could guess what is placed before me. Oh, go ahead. Try. No, not a 25-year-old Pu-erh. No, not a Gyokuro. No, not a Silver-Needle Peony. No, not a gorgeously blossoming Avongrove White Stupa.

No, dear friends, nothing worthy of a five-star establishment. These folks will inevitably serve me what I've deemed as Crap In A Bag, or CIAB.

Oh, I know you're familiar with these brands: Bigelow, Harney & Sons, Numi, Lipton (shudder!), Dine-Mor (gods help us all!!), et al. Now, most of these brands are just fine for when you need that convenient cup at the office. No problem there. But, these Philistines fail to realize that this wretched practice reflects on their standing as a fine dining establishment. If they think that serving CIAB is an acceptable practice, then I suppose that the next thing they'll do is toss the present wine list and substitute Wild Russian Vanya Wine and TJ Swann's Easy Nights.

And, if you got that last reference, then, yes, you're old. Officially.

I have a dear friend who lives in Australia with his partner, and he recently wrote to my Handsome Bridegroom about drinking tea abroad (that is, somewhere that ain't America). Our tea-serving brethren will eschew the CIAB tea, bless them. Even the most pedestrian establishments will serve its guests whole leaf tea in a pot. I'll repeat this a little louder for the deaf five star restaurants:

WHOLE LEAF TEA. IN A POT.

So, I present this challenge to all those American establishments who claim to be fine dining: ditch the bags, and insist that your beverage distributors outfit you with premium, whole-leaf teas and the proper equipment in which to prepare it. Insist that said distributor provide training for your staff regarding proper preparation, plus maybe a tasting of the teas so that they may give informed tea choices to their guests.

And, if said distributor stares at you like a 'possum in a bright headlight, then it's time to ditch your distributor as well. Then, contact me. I'll give you all the help you need. I don't know everything, but I do know a lot.

Sigh. Thank you very much for listening to today's rant, dear tea drinkers. Looks like it's time for a nice calming cup.

Of tea.

The Virtues Of Tea Elitism

A few years back, I remember a comment I had overheard from the breakroom of the office I was working in. A man, innocently standing by the coffee machine, gushed, "Gosh, you just can't get a better cup of tea than Lipton!"

I cringed. All the muscles in my body cramped up. I developed a facial tic. I started to look like the character David Kessler during his first werewolf transformation in American Werewolf in London. My brain screamed, You moron! Philistine! Your taste must be located in your...

And then, I stopped. I shrugged and went about my business. After all, the man was a lawyer. It would be unfair to place such high expectations on him.

Oh, I'm just joshing. But, only a little.

But, seriously, folks. You can get a better cup of tea.

Lipton (and, pretty much any common, commercially bagged tea) is an item of convenience. Convenience rarely contains quality. The tea found in commercially bagged tea is of the lowest quality; it is commonly referred to as "dust and fannings." After tea is processed, it get sifted and separated into a number of grades and categories that are dependent on the size of the leaves. The dust and fannings are the leftovers, the remnants. The bottom of the barrel stuff.

Now, many of the Big Tea Corporations have realized that, surprisingly, some folks just don't really care for swill. Thus, the pyramid bad was developed. Pyramid bagged tea, for the most part, contains whole leaf tea, and it does allow for the expansion of the whole leaves during steeping. It's not a bad compromise, and it still provides convenience.

Also, some small, up-and-coming enterprises are making bags that you can fill yourself with your favorite whole leaf tea. An ideal solution, I think. At a later date, I'll provide names and links for these clever entreprenuers.

My biggest point here, gentle sippers, is: don't fool yourself. Know what you're drinking and what you're putting into your body. Realize bad tea for what it is.

Is it okay to like it? Oh, hells yes! You bet! Embrace your guilty pleasures! Liking something that you know is awful is quite acceptable.

At least, that's the excuse I use for liking the movie "Beastmaster."

A Healthy Bite

Good day! Today's cup is a simple, yet elegant, green called "Snow Sprout", made by the good people at Rishi. Very good flavor, with none of the grassiness you find in most greens. Give a taste, when you get the chance.

And, of course, speaking of green tea, I'd thought I share with you a bit of good news about it. Yes, yes, it is good for you, and I could prattle on about anti-oxidants and the like. But, I think we've heard enough of that.

What make green tea rather nifty is what it does for your teeth. The polyphenols in tea can keep cavity-causing bacteria from sticking to teeth, plus green tea also contains natural fluoride. But, don't take my word for it. Download this delightful pdf from the folks at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center. They are, by far, much smarter than I and can go into greater detail. And, of course, you can talk to your dentist (another smart person!) about this benefit.

Of course, you can make the argument that all teas will perform this miraculous feat, plus you'd need to refrain from adding sugar and milk. And, you are right as well on both accounts.

It's just that,... well, I needed a segue. Thanks for understanding.

Drink well!

Liquid Obsession

There, now. I think I'm settled in. In today's cup, I have a black tea with cardamom. Milk and sugar, of course.

Oh, how rude of me. Sorry. I'm Coyote Al. Al to most. Feel free to use it, for I will answer to it. I'm bringing you an assembly of somewhat informed ramblings about...wait for it...TEA!

Yes, my urbane sipper. Tea. The world's second-most consumed beverage, right after water (much to the dismay of Coke and Pepsi). A drink that darned near everyone quaffs, from the rednecks of the southeastern United States to the Queen of England herself. Tea! A drink with jam and bread!

Heh, heh. I hope that tune's stuck in your head now.

Tea is my obsession, and my plan is to ram down your throat as hard as I... uh, I mean... share. Share with you my passion for tea. I will fill this little journal with information (both trivial and significant), reviews, observations and current events regarding the world of tea. I may be opinionated (cough, cough-only a little) and, at times, quite blunt. Feel free to rant back at me, and correct anything I may have stated as fact (yeesh, I really don't know everything). You won't hurt my feelings.

But, for you, my urbane sipper, I do promise to be as amusing as possible.

I do also promise that this blog won't be as, um, manic as my other blog, Crazy Talk. But, if you just don't have enough confusion in your life, feel free to wander over there. The link is at the left of these humble words. It's your little internet. Do as you see fit.

Thank you very much for stopping by. I actually need to do some other things; thankfully, I can do them while I finish up this cup.

Ah, tea. What can it not do?

Just A Test...

Sorry. Let me make a nice cup before I get into this.

Talk to you soon.

Coyote Al